The roller coaster

Yesterday morning I woke up in a bad mood. I woke up with a pretty loud and negative inner dialogue and I know why. My third round of chemo was that afternoon and I was out of time. Here is a quick glimpse into my brain, and yes this is meant to come off sounding like two 3 year old children are arguing….

 

‘Hey man, you’re in a shitty mood.’

 

‘No I’m not.’

 

‘Yes you are and you know why.’

 

‘No I’m not and whatever, bro.’

 

‘You have chemo later today and there is no way that isn’t the reason.’

 

‘I don’t care about chemo…. You have chemo…’

 

And so on, and so forth. One of the biggest pieces of feedback I get from social media engagement, blog responses, and in conversations with people is about how positive I am. I’m able to make people laugh, not let it get to me, take it all on and continue to live my life as normally as possible. It’s all true, that is me and that is exactly what I want people to understand about me.

 

But.

 

There is some creeping negativity that tends to show it’s face every once in a while, and especially on mornings like today. I feel like I’m out of time again. I just started to feel better, and I have to go back to feeling sick, and being limited. Those who know me the best, know that I seriously don’t like being limited, I don’t like feeling sick, and I don’t like it when things prevent me from being my happy, energetic and positive self.

 

I woke up feeling overwhelmed by the housework that is going to pile up, the laundry still needs to be done, the kids are always making messes, I paid all the bills, oh yeah I’m not working, I don’t have the energy to do my job properly, I haven’t exercised regularly in a billion years, and then I see my bald reflection in the window…. Yikes.

 

That happened. I said yikes…

 

I know we all have bad mornings, or bad moments… But don’t let it become a bad day, a bad week or a bad season! I think it is really important to explain that I also have negative feelings, thoughts and moments too. It’s understandable, and completely human. The whole ‘no one actually fucking gets it’ thought will pop in my mind, and in the same minute I rebuttal myself with ‘you’re fine, it’s not their fault they don’t get it and everyone has their own shit…’ Seriously, they say it’s an emotional roller coaster because it is. And that’s ok. Feel it, live it, learn from it, turn it into something positive and good.

Shred 10

You’ve seen me talk about it, post about it, participate in it, and many others have joined me in the fun as well. Of course in addition to the tens of thousands of others who swear by it as well!

 

Is it a cult? Maybe. Is it dangerous. Absolutely. Is it worth looking into? That can be answered with another question, like do I like wine? And I was joking about the dangerous cult thing, unless that’s what you’re into.

 

The Shred 10 is simply a 10 day kick start to a healthier lifestyle program, that includes 10 days of kicking the habits that don’t serve you, and flooding your body with whole food nutrition. The objective to feel great, lose some weight and create healthier habits that will serve you in the long term. Like for life.

 

10 days people. It’s 10 days. It is not long, but it’s amazing what can happen in that time.

 

For example, if I can get through one weekend without wine (wine on weekends is my weakness – shocking) then it’s easier for me to make other healthier decisions. I go on a streak, and when I decide to indulge it is no big deal and doesn’t derail any progress I’m making.

 

Now for some people the difficult thing to give up for 10 days is caffeine, and for some people it’s hard to avoid refined carbs or gluten… and for others the hardest part is cutting back on dairy. We all have our thing. The best part about giving up some difficult to give up habits, is that you realize you don’t need them as much as you thought.

 

And then do you know what the EASY PART IS?? Getting dressed after 10 days on this program. Looking in the mirror is easier, being naked is easier, getting ready is easier and literally everything is easier because you feel so much better.

 

After the ten days is up, you’ll aim to continue the healthy habits to the best of your ability. And before you jump to conclusions and think that this sounds complicated – picture this:

 

Eat well most of the time, try to exercise most days, and work on things that make you happy at least a couple times a week for your mental and emotional health. No counting, no measuring, no points, no calculating, no diets, nothing. Focus on your mind and body. Trust me, this is the way to live.

 

It’s so easy, some would just call it normal life………. Wink wink.

 

So, this is how I live healthier. This is how my friends and colleagues all maintain their healthier lifestyles… and should you ever want more information I have it for you.

 

But my emotions taste so good…

Let me tell you, I have been eating my emotions for months now.  And although the emotional eating streak was fun… it’s time to get back to what makes me feel good – and that is feeling good.

 

Before you say ‘Lindsy, now is not the time to worry about what you’re eating and how much you weigh’’ – I want to tell you that it is actually the exact perfect time for me to do that. And I’ll tell you why.

 

First things first, I need to admit to myself where I am. So, since the beginning of November I have gained 10lbs… ok 12lbs. 13 – does it matter?! Oh wait that’s the point, to be honest, it’s 13lbs. That may not seem like a lot to some of you, and it may seem like a shit ton to others.

 

For me though, it is the exact amount of weight I worked my ass off (literally) to get rid of a long time ago. I always hovered around a number, and then one day with a few habit changes, the number changed, and it hovered at a much better place. It is no longer in that place. I need to do something about it before it gets even more difficult to come back when this is all over.

 

And this is what’s important, the reason why now is the best time to worry about what I’m eating.

 

  1. I can’t do much moving. I used to rely on exercise to be able to eat a lot of food, all day long. The right food yes, but still – a lot. Exercises builds a strong body and burns energy. If I can’t exercise much then I need to be especially focused on my nutrition.
  2. My body needs fuel that will strengthen it, not weaken it.
  3. Too much inflammation. All over. Everywhere. The chemo is literally poison in my body and it makes me puffy. My body needs food that will not cause more inflammation. Check.

 

So I am up against a lot right now. Chemo doesn’t make it easy to feel good about yourself both inside and out. I plan to do some positive emotional eating, and do you know what that is? Eat means eating better so you feel better in general, and you might lose some weight which feels good, and you gain confidence which feels hella good. All in all: GOOD.

 

Right now I need to do whatever I need to do to feel comfortable in my own skin. Right now, I need to focus and take care of me, and do exactly what the happy, fit me used to do – which is live pretty much the same life, but with less take out, pizza and carbs.

Chemo makes you hotter, right?

I’m a visual person, so naturally when I needed to get some ideas on how I might try to look as normal as possible during my chemo treatment I went to my fav app – Pinterest. I knew I was going to lose my hair, I knew I’d need a wig, and I knew I’d need to learn how to do makeup properly, at the age of 33. I also knew, my regular bikini style wouldn’t suffice during radiation so I needed to find a proper replacement.

 

“Platinum blonde hair extensions”

“Platinum blonde hair with a touque”

“Blonde curly hair in hat”

 

These were my first searches. I mean, you all know how much I love a good fake blonde look, in fact many of you have probably heard me admit that I’m ‘blonderexic’ – a self diagnosis where I feel like I’m never quite blonde enough… so here is a chance I can make the most out of a difficult situation and find a head of hair that is definitely not possible in a natural way for me, and have fun with it.

 

“Makeup tutorial for chemo patients”

 

Fuck that noise. Too real. New search. ASAP.

 

“Heavy eyeliner tutorials”

“Dramatic makeup for blondes”

“Mimic fake lashes with eyeliner”

“Eyebrow microblading”

 

These searches were a little nicer, and there were some pretty beautiful make up examples. If only I could be as effortless as them…. At least I had the visual. That’s all I needed, a visual to see that it’s possible to look like a human, and maybe even attractive during chemo.

 

Finally.

 

“Rashguard bikini”

“Cropped rashguard”

 

I am going to have to start radiation in the spring, and it’s going to last until early July. I am a SUMMER human. Summer is my thing. The only good thing about getting Cancer when I did – was that my surgery and treatment somehow managed to avoid the summer season. I’m grateful, because that is honestly the best timing ever.

 

But – during radiation my skin is going to be very sensitive to sunlight and any kind of suncare products. This sensitivity will also likely span the majority of the summer after my treatments are all over. So I’ll need to cover up. I found some great options online, and even though I’m not exactly twinning with all of the models – I’ll find a way to pull it off.

 

The best joke is, I saved a few pictures on my phone. This would be my visual, my goal to help me get to my treatments and knowing that maybe I’d get out of this looking as normal as possible, maybe even…dare I say… attractive?! It might seem shallow, but shit, when you don’t feel like you look good it can really mess with your day. I don’t want people to see Cancer when they see me, I want them to see me, and my effortless beauty! Hahahaha… that’s a thing. Right?

 

I showed my husband, he said “so basically you want to get hotter during chemo”. I laughed my ass off – because DUH YES. Yes that is what I’m saying. Is that too much to ask?

 

When I asked my GF to take a look at what my ‘chemo goals’ were she was much more supportive haha. I showed a couple others when they asked what kind of wigs I’d be looking for. All my ladies out there just get it. They’re all very good friends for knowing when they NEED To LIE to me lol. I appreciate it. More then you know.

 

          

 

I posted the photos so you guys could all see the inner workings of my brain. The one of Kingsley is my CONFIDENCE GOAL picture, she just knows how to rock whatever she’s got! I hope you laugh, or at least smile, and understand that visualizing this shit is what works – or at least we’ll see won’t we? Wish me luck!