Chemo hair I DO care

I can’t even believe this was my hair!  I’m finally finished with 5 months of chemo treatments and I’m honestly missing it more then ever.

It is absolutely one of the hardest parts of this whole journey. I don’t recognize myself, I don’t feel pretty, and I feel like I’m putting on a disguise every time I leave the house in a wig or head wrap.

What’s harder, is trying to be brave and ‘own it’ by going bald in pictures or in public. Let me tell you, it’s incredibly hard to put yourself out there to be looked at, because you can see people as they notice ‘oh, that woman has cancer’. It’s something I’ve always found really hard, although my level of ‘I don’t care’ has began to increase, with practice.

As positive as I am, I’m still constantly dealing with these little battles in my mind… and it isn’t easy.

I know it’s a temporary thing and I know it isn’t what’s important. I have all the support in the world and everyone is amazing because they always say the right things, at the right time. But damn I miss that hair!

Side note, yes I know my butt looks good.

What’s all the buzz about?

Well, it’s official. I have no hair. So what kind of tone do I want to set in this specific blog post? Is there even any way I can set a tone after the shock factor most of you experienced after you just saw that big picture of me?

 

Maybe it’s that I have no hair and who cares. Or that I’m hurting every time I look in the mirror? Maybe it’s that I can totally rock the cue ball look and might even like my hair this short… Probably not, let me think…

 

The mixed feelings are real.

 

No hair means the chemo is working. It means it’s targeting all those aggressive fast growing cells and and if I can see it, and I can feel it, then it’s happening. PRO.

 

No hair means I can feel every single draft of cold air that ever exists. CON.

 

No hair means I get to experiment with some pretty stellar wig game. PRO.

 

Wigs are fucking annoying. CON.

 

No hair means my get-ready routine has been drastically reduced. PRO.

 

Until I need to really focus on makeup once my eyelashes and eyebrows disappear. CON.

 

My kids think it’s funny. PRO.

 

Kingsley thinks I look like a boy. And she really wants me to stay a girl soooo…  CON. And funny.

 

My eyes really stand out. PRO.

 

Unless they’re tired eyes, sigh… CON.

 

Who even knew there could be this many PROS? I was really focused on the CONS just before it happened, because I had no idea how it would look, how I would feel or how others would feel. I didn’t want to look like a cancer patient… and now I do, which means that now everyone knows.

 

PRO – I now know that when my hair starts to grow back, I’ve already tried all of the different lengths and they looked pretty ok on me. And, my hair will be growing back stronger and healthier then ever in just a few short months. It’ll be here in no time… at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

 

High FIVE!

It’s not like looking in the mirror

I have had more hairstyles in the last 10 days then I have had in the last 7 years. The whole hair loss thing is one of the hardest parts of this ‘journey’, and not because all that matters is how you look – but because your look is a part of your identity, it is a way you express who you are. So when that look starts to change, and not by choice, it’s a hard thing to accept.

 

First, I cut the long hair into a bob – my mom bob! You see, the hair started to feel pretty annoying because it was falling out everywhere. Like, it was everywhere. Quickly, I realized that it wasn’t short enough, the inconvenience of it all was too much for me. So the next step naturally, is to cut it shorter, so I went for the pixie cut just 48 hours ago. I thought that haircut would be a tough one, but truthfully since I had absolutely zero emotional attachment to the outcome, it felt pretty casual, and actually very easy.

 

The poor hairstylist though, looked absolutely horrified when he combed my hair and a ton of hair came with it. My friend had called in advance, and warned him what was happening and why we were there – but I think until you actually experience it, it’s hard to prepare yourself. So, naturally, I told him ‘it’s all good bro keep going’! Haha… That happened.

 

I keep seeing glances of myself in window reflections, mirrors, etc. And it’s the weirdest thing. It’s me, but it’s not me. How does it actually feel to have shorter hair?  It feels ok – it feels like my hair is in a ponytail. But when I see it, I look like someone else.

 

I plan to shave my head tomorrow, because even though it is super short, it is still EVERYWHERE. It is still too long to just fall out at random. So it’s time I just take complete control of the situation and shave it off. I’m not going to look like myself, and I am probably not going to ever quite feel like myself again – so it’s time to be a different me. With a wig! Or two. They’re all lined up, ready to be worn, so let’s have some fun with it.

 

Chemo makes you hotter, right?

I’m a visual person, so naturally when I needed to get some ideas on how I might try to look as normal as possible during my chemo treatment I went to my fav app – Pinterest. I knew I was going to lose my hair, I knew I’d need a wig, and I knew I’d need to learn how to do makeup properly, at the age of 33. I also knew, my regular bikini style wouldn’t suffice during radiation so I needed to find a proper replacement.

 

“Platinum blonde hair extensions”

“Platinum blonde hair with a touque”

“Blonde curly hair in hat”

 

These were my first searches. I mean, you all know how much I love a good fake blonde look, in fact many of you have probably heard me admit that I’m ‘blonderexic’ – a self diagnosis where I feel like I’m never quite blonde enough… so here is a chance I can make the most out of a difficult situation and find a head of hair that is definitely not possible in a natural way for me, and have fun with it.

 

“Makeup tutorial for chemo patients”

 

Fuck that noise. Too real. New search. ASAP.

 

“Heavy eyeliner tutorials”

“Dramatic makeup for blondes”

“Mimic fake lashes with eyeliner”

“Eyebrow microblading”

 

These searches were a little nicer, and there were some pretty beautiful make up examples. If only I could be as effortless as them…. At least I had the visual. That’s all I needed, a visual to see that it’s possible to look like a human, and maybe even attractive during chemo.

 

Finally.

 

“Rashguard bikini”

“Cropped rashguard”

 

I am going to have to start radiation in the spring, and it’s going to last until early July. I am a SUMMER human. Summer is my thing. The only good thing about getting Cancer when I did – was that my surgery and treatment somehow managed to avoid the summer season. I’m grateful, because that is honestly the best timing ever.

 

But – during radiation my skin is going to be very sensitive to sunlight and any kind of suncare products. This sensitivity will also likely span the majority of the summer after my treatments are all over. So I’ll need to cover up. I found some great options online, and even though I’m not exactly twinning with all of the models – I’ll find a way to pull it off.

 

The best joke is, I saved a few pictures on my phone. This would be my visual, my goal to help me get to my treatments and knowing that maybe I’d get out of this looking as normal as possible, maybe even…dare I say… attractive?! It might seem shallow, but shit, when you don’t feel like you look good it can really mess with your day. I don’t want people to see Cancer when they see me, I want them to see me, and my effortless beauty! Hahahaha… that’s a thing. Right?

 

I showed my husband, he said “so basically you want to get hotter during chemo”. I laughed my ass off – because DUH YES. Yes that is what I’m saying. Is that too much to ask?

 

When I asked my GF to take a look at what my ‘chemo goals’ were she was much more supportive haha. I showed a couple others when they asked what kind of wigs I’d be looking for. All my ladies out there just get it. They’re all very good friends for knowing when they NEED To LIE to me lol. I appreciate it. More then you know.

 

          

 

I posted the photos so you guys could all see the inner workings of my brain. The one of Kingsley is my CONFIDENCE GOAL picture, she just knows how to rock whatever she’s got! I hope you laugh, or at least smile, and understand that visualizing this shit is what works – or at least we’ll see won’t we? Wish me luck!