Chemo makes you hotter, right?

I’m a visual person, so naturally when I needed to get some ideas on how I might try to look as normal as possible during my chemo treatment I went to my fav app – Pinterest. I knew I was going to lose my hair, I knew I’d need a wig, and I knew I’d need to learn how to do makeup properly, at the age of 33. I also knew, my regular bikini style wouldn’t suffice during radiation so I needed to find a proper replacement.

 

“Platinum blonde hair extensions”

“Platinum blonde hair with a touque”

“Blonde curly hair in hat”

 

These were my first searches. I mean, you all know how much I love a good fake blonde look, in fact many of you have probably heard me admit that I’m ‘blonderexic’ – a self diagnosis where I feel like I’m never quite blonde enough… so here is a chance I can make the most out of a difficult situation and find a head of hair that is definitely not possible in a natural way for me, and have fun with it.

 

“Makeup tutorial for chemo patients”

 

Fuck that noise. Too real. New search. ASAP.

 

“Heavy eyeliner tutorials”

“Dramatic makeup for blondes”

“Mimic fake lashes with eyeliner”

“Eyebrow microblading”

 

These searches were a little nicer, and there were some pretty beautiful make up examples. If only I could be as effortless as them…. At least I had the visual. That’s all I needed, a visual to see that it’s possible to look like a human, and maybe even attractive during chemo.

 

Finally.

 

“Rashguard bikini”

“Cropped rashguard”

 

I am going to have to start radiation in the spring, and it’s going to last until early July. I am a SUMMER human. Summer is my thing. The only good thing about getting Cancer when I did – was that my surgery and treatment somehow managed to avoid the summer season. I’m grateful, because that is honestly the best timing ever.

 

But – during radiation my skin is going to be very sensitive to sunlight and any kind of suncare products. This sensitivity will also likely span the majority of the summer after my treatments are all over. So I’ll need to cover up. I found some great options online, and even though I’m not exactly twinning with all of the models – I’ll find a way to pull it off.

 

The best joke is, I saved a few pictures on my phone. This would be my visual, my goal to help me get to my treatments and knowing that maybe I’d get out of this looking as normal as possible, maybe even…dare I say… attractive?! It might seem shallow, but shit, when you don’t feel like you look good it can really mess with your day. I don’t want people to see Cancer when they see me, I want them to see me, and my effortless beauty! Hahahaha… that’s a thing. Right?

 

I showed my husband, he said “so basically you want to get hotter during chemo”. I laughed my ass off – because DUH YES. Yes that is what I’m saying. Is that too much to ask?

 

When I asked my GF to take a look at what my ‘chemo goals’ were she was much more supportive haha. I showed a couple others when they asked what kind of wigs I’d be looking for. All my ladies out there just get it. They’re all very good friends for knowing when they NEED To LIE to me lol. I appreciate it. More then you know.

 

          

 

I posted the photos so you guys could all see the inner workings of my brain. The one of Kingsley is my CONFIDENCE GOAL picture, she just knows how to rock whatever she’s got! I hope you laugh, or at least smile, and understand that visualizing this shit is what works – or at least we’ll see won’t we? Wish me luck!

 

The Port Insertion

It’s the day after my port insertion, and let me tell you, it feels like someone stabbed me in the neck with multiple needles and forgot a piece of equipment in my chest.

 

Oh wait, that happened.

 

Only the piece of equipment is actually a small tube inserted into my vein, travelling directly into one of the major valves of my heart. This way, the medication goes straight to my heart, causes minimal damage to my veins and circulates the chemotherapy and other medications more efficiently.

 

My PICC line was removed, it was always meant to be a temporary solution until they could get me in to have the Port insertion procedure. The PICC line was a small tube inserted into one of my veins through the bicep area of my arm, and travelled 42cm to the right valve of my heart. YES. I know what you’re thinking – that is a ruler and a half of tubing in my vein – F word. It couldn’t get wet, so showering was annoying, and it was very in the way when doing normal daily tasks. But, it’s gone now.

 

The Port is much more convenient, it’ll be completely under my skin once it’s healed and I’ll be able to bathe, swim, and whatever without having to even think about it. It’ll stay there until all of this fun stuff is completely behind me, probably after my second reconstruction surgery in about a year from now, but that is a total guess. We shall see.

 

How fun was it?

 

Well, now that people keep pointing out to me that I make a lot of jokes, and tend to talk about everything with everyone, and somehow make things like this fun – what do you think? Like, it’s not what I’d choose to do on a Friday, but it was ok.

 

I could see my husband reacting in my pre-op nursing interview, I mean, I could just answer the questions like a robot but that just isn’t something I know how to do. I’m not trying to be funny, I’m just being friendly, and honest. And positive.

 

These pictures are from before surgery, the empty bed is during surgery and also there is a  little shot of what it looks like now.

         port instertion, lindsy matthews, chemo, chemotherapy, breast cancer, cancer, surgery, procedure

 

Why is there a picture of an empty bed? My husband said he took it when he could hear the room burst into laughter through the doors and he knew that I was ok and cracking jokes. And, well, he was right. The nursing team had an excellent sense of humour and I was feeling pretty fine from the light sedation they gave me.

 

Everything went mostly smooth. There was only one slightly uncomfortable blip where between jokes I told the Dr. “Um, I can really feel my heart beating. Like, it’s beating very fast and very hard, I can really feel it in my chest, it’s borderline painful”. They quickly noticed, and they noted out loud that my heart rate was around 73-75 when they started and it was too high now, although they didn’t offer that specific number out loud.

 

The Dr cut the line that was in my vein and made it shorter, it was obviously in too far. Ewwww. My heart rate started to get lower, and it wasn’t until after it was back under control that one of the nurses told me it was into the hundreds. I never asked the exact number, I didn’t need to know.

 

After I was all done I told the nurses my husband would be stalking the door outside the room I was in, which he was. Thankfully. And we all headed to the post-op recovery area, enjoyed some water and apple juice and I was on my way.

 

Today, it hurts. They told me it would for a couple days, so I’ll look forward to when that’s over. In about a week’s time they said it’ll be practically healed and I will be able to participate in anything as if it’s not there. And that’s what makes it all worth it.

 

So there, a port insertion adventure. Exciting!

 

What about wine & sex?

These were the only two things I had questions about when I met with the Oncology Pharmacist, back earlier this month after my chemotherapy treatment schedule had been officially put into motion. In all fairness, she had covered literally every other topic, question, and detail that existed. Except for what I considered to be important stuff, clearly.

 

My husband and I had about 34 minutes before I had to be at my next appointment at the hospital – I was practically putting in full work days leading up to my first treatment getting all of the diagnostic imaging they needed, my PICC line had to be inserted, I had to meet with multiple professionals for multiple different areas or specialty – it was long.

 

So we talked a mile a minute – totally my style – which helped make me completely comfortable to ask what I really wanted to know. I remember I looked at my husband, put my hand on his leg, and apologized to him saying  “Sorry, I have to ask… “ then turned my attention back to her and said “what’s going to happen to my sex drive?”.

 

What. Do you blame me? We’ve all seen the episode of Sex and the City where Samantha, who was also battling Breast Cancer, of all people – didn’t want to have sex with her hot, younger model boyfriend. If that isn’t concerning I don’t know what is… this is real life people.

 

First she told me it was a great question (gold star pat on the back for me!) and then smiled and told me the good news, that it probably wouldn’t change. As long as I’m feeling well, get it on. Not in those exact words. BUT, wear a condom and dear lord don’t get pregnant. Again I may have exaggerated her wording there, but that’s what I heard sooooo… On it.

 

My second question was about alcohol. Can I drink wine. How much wine. What about all of the wine. And here is the low down – I can definitely enjoy wine, and other beverages, with this in mind. I need to avoid alcohol a couple days before and after my treatments because alcohol and chemotherapy are both metabolised in the liver, and I need to save that important organ power for the chemo. Makes sense. After those days it slows down, and a couple of glasses won’t hurt.

 

Naturally, I asked “What about a whole bottle, or more? When can that happen?” She was very professional, barely smiled and told me that when a ‘party situation’ comes up, here are the best days for that – check! Noted, memorized, and good day mam. The more you know. Am I right?

 

After my next couple of appointments were over, I went home with a handful of prescriptions, all the knowledge in the world, and quickly ordered two boxes of condoms off Amazon. Because no matter how old you get that shit can still be so awkward at the Shoppers Drugmart. Admit it.

Chemo Schmemo

Almost two weeks ago I had my first round of chemo. And by the time I got to my appointment, pretty much all of my anxiety, anger and negative feelings had disappeared. By the time I got there, I was ready to just get it over with, do what I had to do, and was determined to make the best of it. I had 16 weeks of treatment ahead of me, and I will not waste that amount of time in a bad mood.

 

My chair was in an insanely sunny area of the ‘Chemo Suite’, and for those of you who know me you know that sunshine is my THING. I live for sun, the sun is my spirit animal, and on vacations I soak in ‘every last drop’ – meaning I literally stay in the sun until every last drop of the rays have turned into shade… it’s not crazy, it’s my thing. I took the fact that I had to wear sunglasses through my treatment as a very positive sign, it was the universe delivering exactly what I needed.

 

I didn’t feel much during the treatment, physically. It lasted just over an hour, and the nurse administered two different chemo drugs during that time. It honestly didn’t seem like a big deal. I did however have a couple of emotional moments, which is probably pretty normal. Although, I’m not very emotional personally, so it caught me off guard.

 

The first time was when the nurse was telling me how sometimes it’s hard for them to get some grown adults physically through the chemo suite doors – like some people won’t walk through – the nurses have to take them by the hand and physically get them into the chairs, and really work at getting them their treatment.

 

This hit me hard because the visual popped into my head and I suddenly realized ‘Holy crap, this is a super scary thing for people, and it’s happening to me’. The grossness of the whole thing seeped into my brain as I looked at my husband, who was there with me, and I practically whispered “I can’t believe this is happening right now”. He looked back at my sympathetically, I looked away, and forced my mind to get control, and get positive again.

 

But then there was a second time, when the nurse was injecting the first medication into my PICC line. It was bright red, we talked about it a little bit, and then she told me “this is the one that makes your hair fall out’. It hurt.  A lot. Like I know that it’s going to happen, the doctors made it very clear it was a guaranteed side effect… they didn’t want me to get my hopes up because ‘some people don’t lose their hair during chemo’. That wouldn’t be me, and now it’s in my body, and there is no turning back. My little emotional moment didn’t last too long, because again I looked at my husband and very clearly said “fucking ew”. He laughed, I laughed, the nurse laughed.. And we all lived happily ever after.

 

That was abrupt. Here’s the rest. If you’re still with me.

 

The side effects following the treatment weren’t too bad. I had a medication schedule after my treatment to battle the nausea and vomiting, I had a nurse visit my home for three days to hook my PICC to a saline hydration treatment, and an immune booster shot for 7 days to help keep me healthy. They definitely set you up for success, and do everything possible to make it bearable. For the first week following the treatment I was fatigued, I could feel my heart beating in my chest and my body just felt heavy. I was nauseas, had a pretty major headache, some body aches… felt generally not great. But all of which could be helped with Tylenol or extra anti-nausea pills. It wasn’t anything major.

 

By the time the second weekend rolled around I was feeling like my normal self again. I had a ton of energy, I was happy, positive and borderline hyperactive haha. Like, it felt so good to feel normal – I felt way above normal! I caught up with friends, drank wine, went to a large event with colleagues, worked out, went skating with kids and friends, organized my whole house (literally decluttered every closet and kid toy shelf that existed), meal prepped, met with clients and friends, got to work, and did a full Bootcamp class! It was a great week.

 

And I still have all my hair.

 

Tomorrow I go round 2, and I’ll consider myself lucky if things go the same way! Wish me luck.

 

Side note: For those of you who were thinking to yourself ‘the sun isn’t an animal’ – yes, I realize the sun is not an animal, you get what I mean, that’s just how much I love the sun.

The Cancer.

So, I have Breast Cancer. Turns out that is a thing that can actually happen to you, at the age of 33, seemingly out of nowhere. As I sit here and type my first blog post on the subject, it still feels incredibly strange that this is happening. It doesn’t feel real. And by that I mean exactly what it sounds like… it simply doesn’t feel like it’s happening to me.

I’ve had a bilateral mastectomy, with partial reconstruction – my body is forever changed – plus I have chemotherapy – what most would consider to be the scariest and worst medical treatment out there – currently running through my bloodstream – and it still doesn’t feel real. I’m in a place where every day I just do what I have to do what’s next, and then I wake up again the next day and do whatever is next again. I’ve been calling it business as usual, except I have a new usual.

The new usual consists of me making it my full time job to do everything I can to get me out of this situation, in the best shape possible. Visits to the hospital and clinics are now a part of my job, taking medication on a meticulous schedule is now a part of my job, arranging for childcare, taking care of administrative crap, dealing with insurance companies, home nursing and managing my symptoms are now all just a part of my full time job.

I’ve definitely had better gigs in my day, but never a more important one. So here I am, making the best of a difficult situation, taking it all one day at a time and focusing on maintaining a positive mindset through and through. That’s my plan, that’s my job, and this is my life.