The roller coaster

Yesterday morning I woke up in a bad mood. I woke up with a pretty loud and negative inner dialogue and I know why. My third round of chemo was that afternoon and I was out of time. Here is a quick glimpse into my brain, and yes this is meant to come off sounding like two 3 year old children are arguing….

‘Hey man, you’re in a shitty mood.’

‘No I’m not.’

‘Yes you are and you know why.’

‘No I’m not and whatever, bro.’

‘You have chemo later today and there is no way that isn’t the reason.’

‘I don’t care about chemo…. You have chemo…’

And so on, and so forth. One of the biggest pieces of feedback I get from social media engagement, blog responses, and in conversations with people is about how positive I am. I’m able to make people laugh, not let it get to me, take it all on and continue to live my life as normally as possible. It’s all true, that is me and that is exactly what I want people to understand about me.

But.

There is some creeping negativity that tends to show it’s face every once in a while, and especially on mornings like today. I feel like I’m out of time again. I just started to feel better, and I have to go back to feeling sick, and being limited. Those who know me the best, know that I seriously don’t like being limited, I don’t like feeling sick, and I don’t like it when things prevent me from being my happy, energetic and positive self.

I woke up feeling overwhelmed by the housework that is going to pile up, the laundry still needs to be done, the kids are always making messes, I paid all the bills, oh yeah I’m not working, I don’t have the energy to do my job properly, I haven’t exercised regularly in a billion years, and then I see my bald reflection in the window…. Yikes.

That happened. I said yikes…

I know we all have bad mornings, or bad moments… But don’t let it become a bad day, a bad week or a bad season! I think it is really important to explain that I also have negative feelings, thoughts and moments too. It’s understandable, and completely human. The whole ‘no one actually fucking gets it’ thought will pop in my mind, and in the same minute I rebuttal myself with ‘you’re fine, it’s not their fault they don’t get it and everyone has their own shit…’ Seriously, they say it’s an emotional roller coaster because it is. And that’s ok. Feel it, live it, learn from it, turn it into something positive and good.