I believe the term is “living my best life”

I have always had a particular ‘energy’ for living my life to the fullest, and filling my time with lots of experiences and fun. I am not sure where it came from, or how long I’ve been this way… but it’s something that is obvious to my friends and family, and it comes up often.

 

It’s also a theme that seems to come up with my therapist regularly (Yup, I go to a therapist and would recommend that every human does), because when we discuss why I do the things I do, it always seems to come back to me wanting to pack as much life into my life as possible.

 

One day this past summer, I was sitting outside in my backyard with my husband – because I hate being inside in the summer – and we were discussing nothing in particular when I mentioned to him that I had a thought, and it was a thought I didn’t even want to say out loud, because it felt silly, but I was thinking it nonetheless.

 

“What if this whole live life to the fullest thing I do is because something is going to happen?”

 

“Like what”, he said.

 

“Like, what if I feel the need to pack as much fun into my days and weeks, and not miss out and not waste time… because my time is limited?”

 

Blank stare. Because I’m a psycho.

 

I continued. “Or, being less dramatic, what if I’m going to get really sick, or whatever, I don’t know, it was just a thought…” and that was it.

 

I don’t remember what he said, or really how the entire conversation went. But it happened. At some point in the summer. I basically told him that I felt like something not good was coming, for me specifically.

 

 

Now, I’ve always been energetic about life, but last summer was next level. Luckily I have a partner in crime who is also a lot like this, and together we had the best summer ever. I had other friends who were on maternity leave or stay home with their kids so there were always lot’s of things to do. Most days  with the kids, we hit the beach, a pool, a splash pad, play park, trampoline park – so many activities. Cottaging, friends places, amusement parks… everything.

 

When I was able to leave the kids at home I was out with friends, partying, sometimes into the early hours of the night. Girls nights, pool parties, visits to the city, weddings, group dinners… it was the best. And because I’m so busy it made me appreciate the down time even more too. I loved having nights off, staying in, watching a movie, playing with the kids in the back yard or going for a walk, a hike or a park.

 

So, back to the whole doomsday prophecy thing.

 

I don’t know why I thought this negative thing. I honestly don’t have many negative thoughts, and I especially am not the type to worry about something that doesn’t exist yet, and even when I could worry – I try really hard not to, because it serves absolutely no purpose. I didn’t want to say it out loud because… well I just didn’t want to hear it, say it or acknowledge it. And I felt dumb.

 

 

And hey, if nothing bad actually happened it would have just been some random weird weekday conversation that would have been forgotten.

 

 

But, something did happen.

 

 

Just as fall was coming into full effect, the cancer happened. The. Cancer. It’s the thing I think people worry about the most, for themselves and those they know. Chemo, surgery, radiation, other medical therapies, lifestyle changes and the whole fighting for your life thing. It’s scary. It’s touched everyone in some way or another… and it is now happening to me.

 

 

I’m not saying I predicted this was coming. I am not a psychic. My therapist thinks I knew it was coming on some subconscious level. I had the lump for a long time, so she thinks that maybe I knew it was there and buried it and all that stuff… but I honestly don’t think so. I truly thought the lump wasn’t a lump and that it was just something hormonal, or whatever. I really didn’t think about it, I wasn’t avoiding it, and it wasn’t something I felt needed to be checked out until it started to hurt (refer back to older blogs…).

 

 

Anywho. I have only told a select few this story, and now it’s out there. I feel like it should be, because it is simply interesting at the very least.

 

 

I was joking with a friend yesterday that I was borderline scared for my life in regards to how this summer was going to go for me. My ‘zest’ for life has always been pretty intense – imagine what it’ll be like after I’m done all my treatments, and feel like myself again! I’ll be living my very best life, filling my time with fun and positive experiences, and my kids/family and friends/clients will be along for the ride.

 

Watch out.