Fear shows up in unexpected ways. With stage 4 cancer, it’s not the kind of terror that paralyzes, because well, you learn quickly that you don’t have that luxury. Instead, it’s quiet, subtle, and creeps in during a routine doctor’s appointment, a scan, or even just a moment alone.
But fear has a role. It’s a reminder to live deliberately, to prioritize what matters, and to embrace courage in small doses every day. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s acting despite it. Wait, that is a good saying, I totally made that up all by myself right now.
When I was just getting used to this new incurable diagnosis I was filled with fear. It wasn’t what I expected though, because I guess I thought I’d be scared for my own life or something. But I wasn’t. I was scared for my children’s lives.
And by that I mean I feared for what their lives would be like if I wasn’t in it anymore. Losing a parent is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to you at a young age, and all I could see was all of the things that could go wrong.
Some kids take tragedy and become resilient and live very happy successful lives despite it all – but some kids don’t. Some struggle in school, struggle in relationships, experience depression, anxiety and pain, or fall eventually fall into self sabotage or addiction… or insert any bad thing you’ve ever worried about here. Why are we so good at that?
This fear became debilitating and plunged me into depression for months and months before I got help. I felt helpless and hopeless, and it was scary because I had never experienced that before.
The turnaround came when I was taught how to reprogram my beliefs and thoughts through specialized therapy, mindfulness and meditation. I also dabbled in anti-depressants for a few months while I built the necessary tools. I learned to accept that the future is unknown, but that it’s ok to be uncomfortable with the unknown. I learned how to question my thoughts and beliefs and focus on what I know in the present moment – what is the actual truth? What do I know to be true right now?
So I focused on the truth. Did I know for sure that I wouldn’t be here in the future? No. Are my kids for sure going to have horrible lives if I’m not here? Also no. The other thing is, I came to the realization that I am actually here to help them through the trauma of losing a parent – because I’m here right now. I get to help them build coping strategies and find outlets that they can fall back on when life hits them with the hard stuff.
I am present, aware and capable of being there for them and guiding them through life’s toughest lessons. Basically they have an extra annoying mom encouraging them to get out there and make the most of life!
So it’s not about avoiding fear – it’s about acknowledging the fear, letting it teach you, and using it to fuel living fully.