Fear always finds a way to show up in unexpected ways, doesn’t it? It’s something that we all deal with in one way or another, in both our personal and professional lives.
For me, living with stage 4 cancer has me noticing that it’s not the kind of fear that paralyzes anymore, because well, I simply don’t have the time! Instead, it’s been quiet, subtle, and creeps in during a routine doctor’s appointment, a scan, or even just a random moment alone.
It also creeps in when I’m about to do something really incredible in my career, like a TEDx talk, or meeting a new group in one of my classes at U of T, or commit to a keynote for leaders in an industry I have so much respect for.
And I’ve learned that fear isn’t all bad because it has a very important role. It’s a reminder to live deliberately, to prioritize what matters, and to embrace courage every single day – in all aspects of life.
Courage isn’t the absence of fear, it’s acting despite it. Wait, that is a good saying! I totally made that up all by myself right now… totally original.
When I was just getting used to this new incurable stage 4 diagnosis I will admit that I was filled with fear. Of course I was, there is so much uncertainty that comes with the territory and no one likes that. But it wasn’t what I expected, because I guess I assumed I’d be scared for my own life or something. But I wasn’t really. Instead, the fear was around the uncertainty that was coming for my children’s lives.
And by that I mean I feared for what their lives would be like in the future if I wasn’t in it anymore. Losing a parent is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to you at a young age, and all I could see was all of the things that could go wrong.
Some kids take tragedy and become resilient adults and live very happy successful lives despite it all – but some don’t. Some struggle in school or relationships, experience depression or anxiety, or can even fall into behaviors of self sabotage or addiction… or insert any bad thing you’ve ever worried about here. Have you noticed how good we are at fearing all of the worst possible outcomes?
At the risk of being very vulnerable, I want to share that this fear overcame all of my thoughts for a period of time after my initial diagnosis over 4 years ago, and I experienced depression for months before I understood what was happening and got help. For a time I felt helpless and hopeless, and it was scary because I had never experienced that before.
As soon as I got through chemotherapy for the second time, all the radiation treatments and another surgery – I had a minute to take a breath and assess how I was going to live this life moving forward. It is after all, the only life I know.
The fact was, I had to figure out how to live with the fear because it was going to be a part of my life whether I liked it or not. I knew there was a way I could find a more productive role for the fear. There had to be.
The real turnaround came when I put in the extra effort to learn how to reprogram my beliefs and thoughts through specialized therapy, mindfulness and meditation. I was lucky because I had all the support I needed, and I was determined to make sure I took advantage of every single tool available to figure this out.
I learned to accept that the future is unknown. Is it fun being uncomfortable? No. Is it possible to be ok with being uncomfortable? If you say so. The truth is that acceptance is the key to not letting it run your life. No one gets to escape discomfort, so we have to learn to use it wisely.
I started questioning my thoughts and beliefs and focused on what I KNOW to be true in the present moment. What is the actual truth? What do I know to be true, for sure, right now?
Did I know for sure that I won’t be here in the future? Not technically, no. Are my kids for sure going to have horrible lives if I’m not here? I mean obviously…. WAIT I mean NO. Also no. Of course no… The point is nothing is actually certain. For any of us.
The other thing is, I came to the realization that I am actually here to help them through the trauma of losing a parent – if that’s what happens – because I’m here right now. I get to help them build coping strategies and find outlets that they can fall back on when life hits them with the hard stuff. And I have a gift of a special kind of perspective (because I choose to see it that way) and it’s helped me see that the present moment is all we really have.
I am present, aware and capable of being there for them and guiding them through life’s toughest lessons. Basically they have an extra annoying mom encouraging them to get out there and make the most of life!
Can’t stop, won’t stop.
So it’s not about avoiding fear – it’s about acknowledging the fear, letting it teach you, and using it to fuel living fully. And living fully means being present at home – and being present at work, so you can chase all your professional goals too.
I believe that there is no work-life separation, truly. Leaving your personal life at home was always something that I thought was rule number one. Maybe it still is for a lot of you, I get it. We all have different circumstances. But the day I learned that it’s ok to be a human at work, and it’s ok to be an ambitious person at home, a lot changed.
What I was dealing with ‘at home’ made me a more empathetic, driven, and passionate, and it fueled my professional purpose. And a more purposeful work-life, with big goals, and stronger relationships at work made me a happier mother, wife and friend.
You can’t be afraid of taking risks at work, going after what you’ve always wanted, speaking up in meetings or volunteering to be the one to present the project in front of leadership. Fear isn’t supposed to be holding you back professionally, it is meant to guide you out of your comfort zone and see what will happen if you GO FOR IT. It your goal scares you, then it’s worth going for!
So the next time you feel fear creeping into your life – either in your personal life or at work – the NEW question you need to ask yourself is WHAT HAPPENS IF EVERYTHING GOES AMAZING? Not thinking about all the ways it can go wrong. It’s a habit that takes a lot of practice to change, and I promise it gets easier with time. The more courage you use on a regular basis, the more you trust yourself and your abilities to figure it all out.
As for those fears about my kids and their experience in all of this? Well, they get to see their mom tackle some pretty challenging things first hand. If I want them to thrive in life despite any circumstances, then I have to demonstrate it. For example, they’ll chase their dreams if they see me chase mine.
They’ll also get help when they’re struggling if I talk about the times I got help when I was struggling. My kids will begin taking risks that require courage at an earlier age if I’m always doing it too. They’ll learn that fear itself isn’t something to be afraid of, it’s just another part of being human. And they won’t avoid facing their fears, hopefully they’ll chase those opportunities instead.
The next time fear shows itself to you in some unexpected (or very expected) way, challenge yourself to accept it for what it is and allow it to help you achieve something new. Better yet, maybe even something extraordinary!